So this always happens to me. And by “always,” I mean, “every single time to the point where I nearly giggle at my table when it happens,” which is ALWAYS.
A guest will briefly look but not read the menu and then ask me, “You know, when I first came here many years ago, when this was a different restaurant with a different owner and different chef, probably before you were born, you used to make this great Pork Chop Salad [or whatever] for lunch. Can you still make that?” So look. LOOK. I understand that you’re completely unable to change and that you always order only one thing from each restaurant that you attend. But look. LOOK. It’s highly unlikely that we’re going to take a dish from thirty years ago and keep it on our menu through three ownership changes, two name changes, and a dozen different head chefs. Seriously. This is not McDonald’s, and even McDonald’s didn’t have the Big Mac on its original menu. Even Kentucky Fried Chicken changed its 11 secret herbs and spices in the half-century that it’s been around (used to 12 herbs and spices….true story. True story).
So the guest will continue, “I come here all the time. The last time I was here, 15 years ago, when a young and spry man named Bill Clinton was in his second term as president, you had this amazing little Crab & Lobster Louis Salad. Amazing. Do you still have that on your menu?” First of all, our ONE PAGE MENU is RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, you illiterate product of Newport Incestery!! And second, NO, we do not. We do not keep things on our menu for 15 years. Are you going to go to McDonald’s and ask if they still make the Arch Deluxe (delicious) or to Pizza Hut and ask if they still make Mini Pizza Sliders (omg; so good). We don’t have New Coke, we don’t offer Snackwell’s Snack Cakes, we’re not playing silent films, our music’s not going to be Elvis Tunes, and our MENU IS NOT FROM THE LATE 90s or the EARLY 80s, got it? I freaking wish it was the 1980s, when every chick gave it up without a moment’s thought, a million dollars was single insider’s trade transaction away, men had three-martini lunches and went back to work, and beautiful colombian coke was flowing freely from sea to shining sea. I wish it was the 1980s! I would be okay with the 1990s, too, when I was still with my shining-star-sweetheart-love-of-my-life, before it all went wrong and before all my dreams turned into strawberry lemonade. I wish! But no, times change. I’m not longer the ambitious up-and-coming Management Consultant of the early 2000s and even though you are still a bald, obese, annoying, sycophantic slug of a human being, we DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING FROM 15 YEARS AGO. So stop it. Seriously. Stop it. Feel free to try something new today. It’s not like any other decisions you’ve made in your life have worked in your favor; maybe you should try something different. We both know that the only reason you’re able to afford a dinner at this or any other restaurant is because your great-grandfather actually did try something new, created something of value, and left all his progeny—including you—many millions so you wouldn’t have to work, since he could tell that, clearly, you could not make anything of yourself, let alone read a one-page menu. It’s a ONE PAGE MENU. What could be easier than that?
And if you ask for a Cobb Salad, I’m seriously just going to move you upstairs, where you can have SUSHI AND SAKE ALL DAY. So there’s that.