The FIVE RESTAURANT GUESTS Who Deserve Their Own 1-Hour Specials on Comedy Central and/or Need to Audition for Last Comic Standing IMMEDIATELY:

(1) The guy who always says, “I guess you can tell I didn’t like it,” whenever you clear his plate. See, that’s HILARIOUS because if he didn’t like the food, why did he eat all of it? Genius! He actually really liked it but said the opposite. Comedy gold! Seriously. Louis CK needs you to write some jokes him. Really. Larry David called–he wants you to know that you can play Jerry Seinfeld in the re-make of the Seinfeld TV Series.

(2) The gal who always says, “I’ll take one of each!” whenever you offer up a list of drinks including martinis, margaritas, manhattans, and Merlot. Again, serious comedy chops on display here. This gal *might* have been a former cast member of the legendary Improv group Second City in Chicago. It’s funny because there’s no way she really wants to order four or more drinks at once! No one ever really orders that many drinks at a time! Side-splitting, really. Amy Schumer better take notice. Whitney Cummings could have used you on her NBC TV Show–she might’ve avoided cancellation.

(3) The veritable King of Comedy who says, “Oh, we didn’t order that” when you try to drop the bill off to him. So funny. SO FUNNY. Again, how do you come up with these gems? The Dwarves of Durin’s Folk could search near Smaug for a century and not find such a gem of comedy. See, I am trying to get you to pay the check–and yet you innocently and blithely claim to have never ordered a check! Like a check is something you order or not order! Even Doge says Much Joke and Very Irony. How–how on Earth do you not have a 1/2 hour comedy sketch show while that hack Jim Jeffries does? And I thought Nick Kroll was funny! Compared to you, Nick Kroll is like Tilda Swinton doing an impression of Jay Leno. Seriously. That means you are very funny.

(4) That prodigious humorist always exclaims, “Job Opening!” whenever a server or busser accidentally drops a glass. Such originality! Cutting-edge stuff, really. What I like most about your particular brand of humor is that you find such wit and drollery EX NIHILO–completely out of nothing. Please, Captain Originality, tell us where you find these platinum nuggets of comedy? And the timing! Oh the timing! Right after the glass drops, you’re the first (or third) to loudly proclaim, “Job Opening!” So good! So good! It’s almost as though you’ve had that chambered for a month. Almost. Almost.

(5) That satirist-cum-nutritionist who pseudo-naively asks, “Is this fat free?” whenever you drop off a double-cream cheesecake with a side of heavy handmade cream for dessert. Now THAT–that is funny. It’s NOT fat free–it’s actually over 50% fat–and yet you ask the opposite. Opposite humor: never not funny. What are you doing eating a FIFTH course at this restaurant when you should be headlining at Caroline’s Comedy Club in New York? Why is Seth Meyers the host of late night when you’re still available? How ON EARTH did Dave LaChapelle get a chance to abandon a sketch show on Comedy Central when you, YOU should have had that chance first?

Seriously, all of you–get the f*** out of here! Comedy does not age like fine wine! Your literal pearls of Great American Restaurant Comedy are wasted on the mundane like us! You need to do live shows at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Theater or at the Brea (or even, if you dream….The Ontario) Improv! GTFO! And yes, here’s your check! TURNS OUT YOU DID ORDER IT!