As a full-time server, ex-Management Consultant, empathic enabler of the estrogen-inclined, and frequent restaurant patron, I’m uniquely qualified to dispense advice on how women should behave on restaurant dates.  Today, I’m here to provide some wisdom to all twenty-something ladies on How To Behave When You’re on a Restaurant Date.  Unlike my other services, this advice is free to you.*

I’m writing this as a simple numerical list so it’s easy to digest.  You’re welcome.

(1) Since we both know the guy’s paying for the date—this is America, after all—always order less expensive items than what he orders.  If he gets a bowl of soup, get a cup; if he wants a glass of Jordan Cabernet, ask for the House Chardonnay; if he gets a Filet, try the Steak Salad.  Either way, the meal’s going to cost him a good $200+; at least show that you are considerate of his finances.  We’re still in an economic recovery, you know.  Also, let’s be perfectly clear:  since you’re not paying, you have no say in how much to tip.  If I drop $300 on you for dinner, it’s my choice if I want to leave $30 or $60 for the BroSurferDude CommunityCollegeWaiter who’s too lazy to get a real job.

(2) Dress to impress but not to distract.  A nice dress from Guess.com or a pair of flirty super-short-shorts paired with a long sleeve top and five-inch platform pumps are great for summer dining on a heated patio.  Too often, however, I’m out with some otherwise nice lady who thinks that a bra-shirt and lucite stilletos are appropriate for fine dining.  It’s not.  Try to class it up with a low-cut mini-blouse that still covers up SideBoob and remember that crotch-shots are something to be avoided, not celebrated.  Also, a Happy Trail is something you should see while hiking, not when eating seafood on the waterfront in Newport Beach.

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(3) Don’t eat any carbs during dinner.  Don’t eat any free bread, don’t eat any croutons, avoid all starches, and never, ever get pasta.  It’s not that we think you’re skinny; it’s that we want to preserve the illusion that you’re still trying for that elusive weight of 119 lbs (if you’re 5′ 6″ with 32DDs).

(4) Don’t be jealous when your date stares at other, often prettier-in-a-different way girls in the restaurant.  Women are like computers; even if a guy has an HP Elitebook with DreamColor display, he’s still going to eye that super-slim and shiny Apple MacBook Air with a crystal-clear 13″ HD Panel.  Okay, women aren’t like computers in that they’re not very good at math.  But otherwise, the analogy is apt.  Anyway, if he’s staring at other girls, that should just motivate you to dye your hair blonde and save up for a pair of bolt-ons, right?  I wish we had tax-deductible Breast Implant Savings Funds (BISF).  There’s an tax loophole I could support….quite literally.

(4) Oh yeah.  About those six-inch heels.  Love ’em.  Keep on wearing them.  But please, please—be sure you’re able to walk in them with the same adroitness as Secretariat does galloping down the homestretch of the Kentucky Derby.  There’s nothing more awkward than seeing a woman walk down the main hallway of a restaurant with heels that she’s not used to wearing.  My advice is to always wear six-inch heels, even to Hot Yoga Class.  Is there a Cold Yoga Class?  I would prefer a cold yoga class.  I dislike sweat.  Oh yeah.  That reminds me.  Repeat after me:  “I will not wear Yoga Pants to Sunday Brunch.  I will not wear Yoga Pants to Sunday Brunch.”  (Unless you’ve got a 22″ waist).

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(5)  Okay.  This one has a little less to do with what happens in the restaurant and what happens before and after the restaurant.  First, when a guy says he’ll pick you up at 5:30 pm, please be ready by 5:30 pm.  You know when NASA says they’re launching the Space Shuttle at 19:00 Eastern Time?  They have a little count-down timer that’s accurate to the 360th of a second.  So I can never understand how, if you’re given a full day to prepare for a date (since you only work 12 hours A WEEK and dropped out of Junior College) and you don’t have to navigate traffic to get to some chick’s house in the poor part of Irvine (yes, there is such a thing), you can’t be perfectly ready at 5:30 pm.  Also, I really feel like since I’m the one driving, I feel like I have every right to leave the engine running while I wait for you.  And I should control the music; it’s my car, after all.  Finally, as an individual who’s spent all my life fighting for Equal Rights for Women, I don’t open doors for dates.  It’s just another way that chauvinists try to keep women down, and I’m not standing for it any longer.

(6) The purse.  Ahh, the purse.  If we park right outside the restaurant and then go directly into the restaurant, why do you need to carry a 25-lb. purse with lipstick, mascara, eyeliner, blush, foundation, concealer, hairspray, a comb, lotion, a brush, pocket hair dryer, 30-day-supply of tampons, hard candy, gum, chapstick, sunglasses, broken sunglasses, and iPhone?  Why?  What exactly is going to happen during your 75-minute dinner?  Worst case scenario is that you need to go to the car (in a very nice neighborhood) to get something, right?  By the way, though—and by the way—here are two things you’ll never find in your purse:  charger for your phone that you never charge AND any sort of way to pay for dinner.  Feel free to carry at least $2 to tip the valet.  Seriously.

Anyway, I have to go to work now so I can afford to over-pay for more restaurant dates.  The least you can do is follow all this free advice.  It’s FREE!  This advice is free.  You know what’s not free?  The $15 Martini that you took a sip of and left behind.  Really.  That $15 could have fed 15 starving kids around the world.  I always felt those commercials were a little off.  It’s only 10 cents a day to feed a starving child?  Really?  So we could feed 100 million kids for a year for only $36 billion?  That seems way low.  Way low.

* This article is for entertainment purposes only and in no way represents the true opinions of the author, the same way that the Harry Potter series doesn’t represent J.K. Rowling’s true feelings about Wizards.  So yeah.

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