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I thought we were past this.  We’re over carbs, right?  Not a day goes by where I don’t get a guest asking for a low-carb-this or gluten-free-that.  And yet the words I hear most often, besides my own self saying, “Why am I doing all the work for everybody here?” is “CAN I GET MOORE BREAAAAADD?!”  And the people asking for more bread are precisely those who do not need any more bread.  They could not eat any more bread for the rest of their own present lives and for the eight reincarnated lives they have ahead of them and still not need more bread.  Seriously.  The Wonder Bread company called and wants to know when you’ll stop eating all their bread.  Panera Bread is asking if you’ll stop visiting them for a week so they can restock all their bread.  Subway Sandwiches just emailed to tell you that “Subway” does not mean that you eat a literal subway train full of bread every single day.

Even worse, my restaurant serves Corn Bread.  This is bread that is “super-charged” with corn and a lot of other stuff.  And then you’ll add butter to it.  You’re essentially saying to yourself, “Hey….this 500 calorie pre-lunch bread is not enough for me.  I need to add about 200 calories of butter to it.  I always love to have 700 calories of food for lunch BEFORE I EVEN EAT MY LUNCH APPETIZERS.”  And let’s talk about calories.  You can order all the Steak Salads you want but if you add FOUR SERVINGS OF BLUE CHEESE DRESSING to it, you’re not exactly going to land on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue.  Even post-weight-gain Kate Upton looks at you and goes, “You should probably consider Zumba or P90X….or something.  Anything.”  Seriously.  When Kate Upton tells you to lose weight, you know that you need to lose weight.  How is Kate Upton a Supermodel?  A Super Model for being overweight is what she is.  By the way, when did we decide that “Curvy” and “Busty” were appropriate euphemisms for grotesquely obese women?  And by grotesquely obese, I mean, for example, a 5′ 7″ woman (perfect height) weighing more than 125 lbs.  Ugh.  Just vomited in my mouth.

Oh.  And by the way.  BY THE WAY.  When you’re sipping down seven Arnold Palmers before your Ranch Salad arrives, don’t think that you’re drinking a healthy beverage.  I know that it’s supposed to be “half-and-half”—but it’s really more like 90% lemonade and 10% iced tea (unless you’re a newbie server who doesn’t pour the lemonade first.  Who does that, right?  That’s like when the otherwise very competent service bartender, when he or she isn’t texting or watching YouTube on his or her iPad during the Sunday morning rush, makes a Mimosa by pouring the ORANGE JUICE BEFORE THE CHAMPAGNE.  It’s like Bizarro world.  Seriously).  So let’s recap here.  You just had 1400 calories from two servings of corn bread.  Plus regular bread.  You have 1050 calories from Lemonade kissed by a light touch of a breath of Iced Tea.  And now you’re going to have your bowl of Ranch Dressing topped with a sliver of steak and a gram of greens, all topped off with Blue Cheese Dressing and Blue Cheese Crumbles ON THE SIDE.  Oooh.  Way to diet there, chief.  Richard Atkins is rolling over in his ironically heart-congested grave.  Nice job, champ.

By the way, let’s figure out this whole f*cking Blue Cheese Dressing/Blue Cheese Crumbles thing.  Here’s my solution:  if you ask for no blue cheese, you mean crumbles.  If you ask for blue cheese on the side, both the crumbles and the dressing will be on the side.  If you sub the dressing, you’ll still get the crumbles.  It’s not my job to figure out how your Community College Drop-out Brain works.  I’m pretty sure Bill Gates doesn’t have these problems.  And if you complain for any reason, I’ll just tell you to Get the F— Out and Stop Being So Freaking Gross.  Seriously though.

You’re the exact reason why my diet of Diet Coke, vodka, scotch, cigarettes, eCigarettes, and copious amounts of “supplements” and “pharmaceuticals” is the best.  There’s nothing on the freaking side and you don’t have to bug your server to ask for more of anything.  That’s a good thing.  He’s FAR too busy telling the hostesses that they need to lose 10 pounds before it’s too late, before they start to weigh more than their moms before they turn 23.  And that’s the real shame here—that a woman would be both over 23 and over 120 pounds.  UGH.

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