, , , , ,

Scenario #1.

The perky rookie waitress earnestly approaches a table and before she even begins her spiel of “Welcome to the Carbs-And-TransFat Factory; my name is Brooklyn,” the impatient guest blurts out, “ICED TEA.  Me Iced Tea drink me argh mor.”  Seriously.  It’ll be like, “Hey guests.  My name’s—”  “DIET COKE NO ICE.”  “No…actually, Diet Coke is not my name.  That would be a strange name, right?  Even if my name were Diet Coke, wouldn’t I just use a different name at work since it would be very distracting and confusing to be named after a popular zero-calorie, carbonated beverage?”  Or, “Welcome to THE CHATEAU, LADIES.  You all look so—” “Wine.  Wine on table now!  Side glass ice, too.  We like to put ice in our wine.  We’re classy like that.”


Hey.  Just let the server do his or her stupid speech before you ramble off your drink order, okay?  A lot of servers are required by their corporate bosses to say an entire speech to every single table, no matter how much that table doesn’t want to hear it.  And a lot of times, you do want to hear it.  It’s going to take 30 to 60 seconds and then it’s done.  Check your iPhone with the broken glass screen for a minute if you don’t want to pay attention—Lord knows you’re going to check it a million times during the meal anyway.

Scenario #2:

The jaded and cynical waiter approaches a table and says, “You know the spiel.  I won’t bother you with it.  Whatcha drinking today?”  LONG PAUSE.  “Hello peeps.  What are you drinking today?  Beverages?  Imbibing?  Liquids into mouth?”  BLANK STARES FROM GUESTS.  “Do. you. want. any. thing. to. drink?”  Complete look of utter confusion from guests.

Or the always popular variation:  “Would you care for a glass of Pinot Noir today?”  To which the guest replies, “OH NOOOOOOOOO.  We don’t drink.  WE DO NOT DRINK.  How DARE you even SUGGEST alcohol to me even though your restaurant is called Johnny’s Crab Shack and WINE BAR.”  How DARE YOU.  We are NOT drinkers.  I’m appalled that you could even suggest alcohol.”

Or there’s this:  “Can I getcha dudes a drink?”  To which they reply, “What drinks do you guys have, bro?”  Ummm…..do you want me to go through and list all drinks and drink combinations that we have?  We have 256 different products we can mix into drinks……that makes a maximum possibility of INFINITY different drinks.  Or I can just make up some stuff for you.  “We have the BroTini….The HipsterColada….The HerpesMaker…..do any of those sound good for you?”

Or this happens:  “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to This Restaurant.  May I offer you a thirst-quenching beverage as your aperitif to your long meal tonight?”  [Guests talk to each other and ignore the server.]  “ANYBODY?  DRINKS ANYBODY?  STOP TALKING ORDER DRINKS?”  [Guests still ignore server.]  “Okay, then.  I’ll just come back after I attend to ALL my other tables.”

Just come in to the restaurant with a beverage ready.  Save us and save you the aggravation of the above scenarios.  Lord knows you’re going to drink everything and anything placed within an inch of you.  You will, also, unfailingly, drink from the glasses of the guests next to you because you always forget that YOUR DRINK IS TO YOUR RIGHT.  M—– F——!!  The drink is to your right.  Or your drink is the stupid drink that has your IdiotGerms in it!  Figure it out for once in your Godforsaken life.  Just order the Stella and be done with it.  Seriously.