“Yes.  Here it is.”
“No; my apologies.”
“I’m sorry but no, we do not.”
“Does this look like True Foods Kitchen to you?”
“Does this look like Native Foods Cafe to you?”
“Is the Pope Irish?”
“Do pigs fly on the backs of DragonUnicorns?”  DragonUnicorns!
“Go F— yourself.”
“Yes.  It’s right next to our Vegetarian Menu, Our Vegan Menu, Our NonDairy Menu, and Our Low-Carb Menu.  Now go F— Yourself.”
“We have a GlutenFull Menu.  We have a GlutenOnly Menu.”

Isn't it oxymoronic?  Don't you think?  Like "private dancer."

Isn’t it oxymoronic? Don’t you think? Like “private dancer.”

“We have Protein on a Plate and Fat on a Plate.  Now go F— yourself.”
“I’m so sorry but not only do we not have a Gluten Free Menu, we have a strict No Douche Policy at this restaurant–and you’re in violation.”
“I’m so sorry but not only do we not have a Gluten Free Menu, we actually spray you with Gluten Particles the moment you walk in the door.”
“I’m so sorry but not only do we not have a Gluten Free Menu, we do have a Dress Code.  Your MuMu and Shants are in violation.”
“Did you also bring your own Stevia Sweetener with you?”
“We don’t.  But let me guess what’s going to happen here.  You’re going to make me ask the cooks a dozen questions about the potential gluten content of our items, all the while making your hungry colleagues wait precious minutes to order their food, right?”
“No.  But when is YOUR problem MY problem?  If your problem is my problem, then my problem is your problem.  My problem is that I have a very money-hungry 22-year-old constantly harrassing me.  Now she’s your problem.”
“We do have a Go F— Yourself menu.  Would you like to see that instead?”
“Why have I never even heard the word Gluten until about five years ago?”
“Trust me….when I look at you, I can tell you’re not allergic to gluten.  The only thing you’re allergic to is exercise and a little make-up.”
“We have a Glue Ton menu….for all the glue lovers out there.  Are you referring to that?”
“We have a Glute-On menu.  It adds glutes to places where you did not have glutes before.  Would that interest you?”
“We have a Gloo Tonme U.  Now go F— yourself.”
“I’m sorry.  Attention Seeker’s Hour just passed.  You just missed it.”
“Do you want to know what I AM ALLERGIC to?  It’s your FACE.  Your FACE gives me hives.  How do you like that?”
“Look.  I’ll make you a deal.  You order all the gluten you want and all of us won’t judge you for all the farting you do.  How’s that sound?”
“You’re chomping down on your third basket of bread.  And you want a gluten-free menu?”
“We DO.  We DO HAVE a gluten-free menu.  What’s the password?  No….it’s not ‘Jenny Craig.’  Try again.  Okay….I’ll tell you.  The password is…..’Go F— Yourself.’  That’s also our WiFi password.”