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So California’s Board of Alcohol Beverage Control recommends that servers ask for ID from anyone who appears under the age of 30 if they order an alcoholic drink. Age verification is obviously a very important aspect of responsible service. And since I still get carded when watching R-rated movies, I also understand how a guest feels when someone asks for ID.

However, I’m getting waaaaay too many customers who pre-emptively flash me their IDs with me even asking. Look–I’ll be the judge of whether you look under 30 or not. And most of you do not look like you’re under 30. Many of you, in fact, are closer to the last 30 years of life than your first 30. I was actually going to ask you if you wanted to take advantage of our Senior Citizen’s Discount. I was actually going to tell you how nice it is that you took your GRANDkids out to dinner. So you can keep that wallet in your pocket and order drinks to your heart’s content. There’s really no danger of you being anything close to 30. The only numbers you need to worry about are your weight, your cholesterol, and your blood pressure. If your life were an hourglass, there would be more sand on the bottom than on the top, if you catch my drift. I don’t even care if you ordered Vodka Red Bulls in 2013, although a Kir Royal or Champagne Cocktail would be more suitable for your demographic. You could’ve walked in here with nothing but a $20 bill in your pocket and there would’ve still been no danger of you needing any sort of idenitifcation. Come on, now. Your face looks like it was born before the invention of sunscreen. It’s got more wrinkles than a bulldog-pug crossbreed. Really. I know you like to tan but feel free to apply something higher than SPF 15 to your sun-allergic face. Seriously. The moment you needed Botox injections was the exact moment when you no longer needed to travel with any ID to any bar in America. Congratulations on that! You really should be just watching CBS at home and eating Ovaltine or Malt-o-Meal with Tang, anyway, reminiscing about the days when you still were, in fact, the Belle of the Ball.

I really want to just stop you as you reach for your purse or wallet and say, “Oh, hey….that’s okay. Really. You can stop that now. I won’t be needing to see your ID. You’re ALL good. Trust me. I have zero doubt that your’re way over the age of 30. You can just keep your hands on the table. Save your ID for the cop who pulls you over when you’re going 45 in a 65 mph zone in your Chrysler Minivan. Settle down. Don’t you dare reach for that ID. I did not and never will be asking for your ID. The only time you’ll need your ID is when you go to pick up your Social Security check from the nearest welfare office. Seriously. The wrinkle factory called and they’re all out of wrinkles for you. The Sun called and wants its spots back.” You are not young any longer….is what I am saying.

Of course, the only revenge we have for these people is to card one person and completely NOT card her friend. Nothing is as fun as taking a pair of ladies and asking one of them for her ID and turning to the other and saying, “While I have reason to suspect that your young friend is under 30, I have absolutely zero reason to think that of you. Therefore, I do not need to see your ID. Just hers will do. Yes, she looks WAAY younger than you. In fact, I thought she was taking her mother out to a nice dinner. That’s very sweet of her.” That’s really the most fun thing in the world. I suggest we do it all the time. There’s really nothing better in the whole of the world than seeing the look on a woman’s face when she realizes that she looks a decade older than her same-age friend.

OH. OH. I forgot this one more thing. ONE MORE THING. For those of you that do get carded, feel free to take it out of your wallet-ID-holder-thingy to show it to us. When you leave it in, you always cover the year of your birth. That is, you cover up the one part of the ID that we actually need to see. While it’s HILARIOUS to see the degree to which you lied on your weight or hair color, we actually need to see the actual year of your birth to complete the age verification. Thanks and don’t forget the oil of olay.