What’s the most common question guests ask us? If you answered, “What kind of Iced Teas do you have,” you’d be CORRECT. WHAT IS THAT QUESTION? We have the classic black brewed iced tea. It’s a Seafood Restaurant, not The Iced Tea Palace. We do have some bottled flavored teas but really, now—I’m in the business of pushing the premium stuff to you, not juice boxes and Republic of Tea Acai Green Decaf Tea.
What’s the second most common question, you ask? “What are the specials?” The problem with you asking for the specials is that when you ask for them, no one else listening. So I have to repeat the specials more than once. While some of us majored in soliloquies in college, some of us would rather not have to repeat the mad creations of the Jr. Sous Chef more than once.
But I’m not here to talk to you about the first, second, or third most common questions asked by restaurant patrons to their over-worked and under-appreciated waiters. The fourth most common question is why we’re here. It is this: “How’s the weather on the patio?” asks the guest as he just comes in from outside. The patio is about, oh, 120 feet from the entrance of the restaurant. My guess would be that, oh, the weather is EXACTLY THE SAME as the weather is right outside the restaurant. It’s not like there’s a magic curtain that transforms the patio into a different climate. And since we lost our artificial snow-maker, there’s no difference in precipitation, either.
Like most civilized places, the patio is covered and has space heaters. We can also open and close our plastic curtains to allow in or block out the wind. That’s about all we’re going to do for you. OH, wait. We do have blankets—not slankets or snuggies, natch—that you can use. Nothing says classy fine dining like wearing a blanket while drinking a glass of Scarecrow and chomping down on Chilean Seabass (which, by the way, is neither a Chilean national nor a type of bass. Discuss).
Since this is California, I already know that you’re going to ask me to do everything possible to ensure that you stay a warm 85 degrees F. F for Fahrenheit and for F***ing Hell It’s So Hot Since I Have To Wear a Black Uniform and Run Around While You Sit in a Chair. My favorite is when you ask to have the heater turned on when it is, in fact, already on. “Well can you turn it up?” “No, ma’am, it’s only an on-and-off sort of thing.” “Well I’m still really cold.” “We can move you inside, where it’s warm.” “No, I came here for the patio.” “So stay on the patio, then. I could NOT CARE LESS HOW WARM OR COLD YOU ARE BECAUSE IT IS CALIFORNIA AND THE WEATHER IS NEEEEEVVVVEEER bad.” Seriously. I used to dine outside, at night, in December, in Boston, and no one said a word about the weather. You know why? Human beings do not control the weather.
I absolutely understand that in the X-Men movies, there is a woman named “Storm” who can control the weather. Unfortunately, she quit last week because she could not bear any further questions about what kinds of ICED TEA WE HAVE.