Since I drive a lot in Southern California and have to weave in-and-out of traffic a lot to avoid taking 60 minutes to get to anywhere in this infernal traffic-ridden metropolitan area, I had to have all four of my tires changed recently. I took my car to a body shop to have the oil and tires changed. Do you know what I didn’t get at the body shop? I didn’t ask the automobile mechanic for an appendectomy. I didn’t try to have my gonads waxed, either. This is America. Business specialize in certain things and, through the “magic” of comparative advantage, we’re all better for it.
A steakhouse should have great steaks. A seafood palace should provide good shellfish, regular fish, and other assorted foods of the sea. And so you’re more than welcome to ask for and receive a latte or a cappuccino after your dinner—but that’s about all you’re going to get from me in the Illy-powered department. Simmer down and check yourself—before, by the way, you wreck yourself—if you want anything more than that. Check your questions about whether we have vanilla syrup or white chocolate powder or Nutella-hazelnut-with-a-hint-of-cinnamon. Anyway, I’ve already spied your man-pregnant gut and you don’t need any more dairy tonight. But seriously. Get your after dinner coffee at the nearest artisan coffee shop that serves espresso made from conflict free beans. The beans here—oh, they’re quite conflicted. They’re the kind that look for and search for conflict. They want a little conflict with your smug hippie face, okay? If you dare even utter the word “Macchiato” at this steakhouse, I’m going to *figuratively* slap your conceitedness and demand to know how many ounces of Jameson you want in that. Real men order Remy Martin Louis XIII after dinner.
As the waitresses working at the bar from the seminal work of art known as “Coyote Ugly” would say—we serve two kinds of coffee here. Black and NO COFFEE AT ALL YOU HIPSTER MOFO WHO SLOWS DOWN BUSY SERVERS WITH YOUR BIZARRE ESPRESSO DRINK REQUESTS. Do you know what a Americano really is? How about a Europeanicano? It’s a shot of ass with a side of b.o. Really bad b.o. So there’s that.