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So I work some nights in a steakhouse and that means we pre-set a steak knive whenever a guest order a steak.  After I enter your order in the point-of-sale system, I’ll drop off bread plates for you along with any additional silverware you’ll need.

A steak knife is designed to cut through steak.  Because steaks have different tensile strengths than other meats, you sould use a steak knife to cut through steak.  On your table you’ll see that in addition to the steak knife I gave you, you already have two forks and a regular dinner knife.

Too often, I’ll give you a plate of fresh bread and you’ll promptly and quickly proceed to use your steak knife (and a fork) to eat your pre-sliced, very soft bread.  What the F*** is your F****** problem?  Use your f****** hands, Marie Antoinette.  You’re not the freaking Queen of the United Kingdom.  Just use your hand to place the small square of bread into your plump face.  Edward Scissorhands looks at you and says, “Dude, you don’t have to cut that.”  The Barber of Seville sees what’s going on and asks, “Hey, why are you using a sharp knife on that?”  Seriously.  SERIOUSLY.

Oh.  And too often I’ll come by to pick up your bread plates and discover that you’ve used up ALL of your utensils to eat your bread.  What the hell, man?  Is this the very first time you’ve ever dined outside of that cardboard refrigerator box you call a home?  That can’t possibly be the case.  Somewhere beneath the two extra-large t-shirts you’ve layered together to make a “Going Out Ensemble,” I can see the many rolls of fat you’ve accumulated while dining all across Southern California.  Surely someone at some point has told you to save your utensils for something other than bread.  THIS IS NOT EVEN BREAD THAT GETS BUTTERED!!  What on earth are you doing?  Anyway, I guess I’ll just get all these dirty utensils out of your way.  Don’t worry—you don’t have to tip me extra for the look of disdain I give you as a I do.  And I’m MOST DEFINITELY not giving you any more utensils until you get your food—because who the f*** knows what you’re going to do with another round of forks and knives?  Pick your ear wax out?  Scratch the top crevice of your ass crack?  Start scratching the top of the wood table with it?  (Seriously.  Some guests do this.  They get bored and start carving into the wood.)

Of course, on the other end of the spectrum is The Guest Who Uses No Utensils or Napkins.  This guest is both impressive and bewildering.  At my steakhouse, we provide utensils wrapped in napkins—roll-ups, they’re called, and they provide all your utensils in a nice and neat package.  And far too often, I’ll go through serving a guest a four course meal of Cheese Fondue, a Beet Salad, Roasted Chicken with Many SIdes, and dessert.  Once they leave, I’ll discover that they did not even touch their roll-up.  They used no utensils to eat any of that.  They’ll even leave extra utensils of unknown origin on the table.  Who the heck are these people?  How did you….and why?  They actually might’ve been burned too many times by not having enough silverware for their meal and are now just extra careful.  Perhaps their dining companions always take their silverware.  It’s not Kleenex, people.  You can use each utensil more than once.

Humans are one of the few species on Earth to use tools.  It’s how we’ve built all that we have today.  So let’s just try to be like Sea Otters and use them properly.  Sea Otters don’t even need knives and forks to eat mussels!  By the way, are mussels easily the food that creates the most trash per bite of food produced?  A bowl of mussels is easily 95% shells and 5% edible food.  Fan-f*cking-tastic.  That’s why I only eat chicken nuggets.  No leftover shells or bones or vegetables.  Fan-f*cking-tastic.

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